PROFILES

CACOS

Chairman: Per Mertesacker
Stadium:
The Wonderdome
DoF: Dennis Bergkamp
Manager:
Reef Younis
Assistant Manager:
Jay-Jay Okocha
Attack Coach: Monday Bandele
Defence Coach:
Sunday Oliseh
Goalkeeping Coach: Peter Rufai
Chief Scout:
Xabi Alonso
Seasons: 5
Honours: DoBo (x2), YoBo, DiKo
History:
2014/15 – 2,051 | 1st DoBo
2015/16 – 2,150 | 1st DoBo
2016/17 – 2,124 | 3rd DoBo
2017/18 – 2,017 | 4th DoBo*
2018/19 – 2176 | 1st FT B

 

DTA

Chairman: Fan-owned
Stadium: Tampax Arena
DoF: 
Brian Flynn
Manager:
Stephen Davies
Assistant Manager:
Arjen de Zeeuw
Attack Coach: Paulo Wanchope
Defence Coach: 
Dennis Lawrence
Chief Scout: Phil Hardy
Seasons: 5
Honours: DoDi
History:
2014/15 – 1,790  | 4th DoWo*
2015/16 – 1,961  | 3rd DoDi
2016/17 – 2,134  | 1st DoDi
2017/18 – 1,947  | 5th DoWo*
2018/19 – 2,095  | 4th DoDi

 

DOWNSY’S 11

Chairman: Nwankwo Kanu
Stadium: Assou-Ekotto Arena
DoF: Santi Cazorla
Manager: Sean Downs
Assistant Manager:
El Hadj Diouf
Attack Coach: Dieumerci Mbokani
Defence Coach:
Benoit Assou-Ekotto
Goalkeeping Coach:
Jens Lehmann
Chief Scout:
Remy Cabella
Seasons: 5
Honours: N/A
History:
2014/15 – 1,974 | 2nd DoBo
2015/16 – 2,003 | 4th DoBo*
2016/17 – 2,196 | 2nd DoWo (Super Ted FC)
2017/18 – 1,971 | 5th DoBo*
2018/19 – 2,024 | 5th DoBo* (Super Ted FC)

 

FC DES

Chairman: Gerry Block
Stadium: The Deebok
DoF:
Des Lynam
Manager: Michael Davies
Assistant Manager:
Des Barnes
Attack Coach: Lomano Lua Lua
Defence Coach:
Ricardo Carvalho
Chief Scout:
Michael Johnson
Seasons: 5
Honours: DoDi, YoBo (x2), DoBo, SaKo,
History:
2014/15 – 1,851 | 1st DoDi
2015/16 – 2,083 | 2nd DoWo
2016/17 – 2,151 | 2nd DoBo
2017/18 – 2,217 | 1st DoBo
2018/19 – 2,134 | 3rd DoBo

 

FARTS OF MIDLOTHIAN

Chairman:
Stadium: The Buckfast
DoF:
Manager:
Martin Arthur
Assistant Manager:
Attack Coach:
Defence Coach:
Chief Scout:
Seasons: 5
Honours: DoBo, DoWo, SaKo
History:
2014/15 – 1,662  | 4th DoBo*
2015/16 – 2,165  | 1st DoWo
2016/17 – 2,208  | 1st DoBo
2017/18 – 2,123  | 3rd DoBo
2018/19 – 2,118  | 4th DoBo*

 

MANI UNITED

Chairman: Michael Carroll
Stadium:
The Jolley Rogerher
DoF: Mr. Bean
Manager: Jon Jolley
Assistant Manager: 
Tony Adams
Attack Coach: Bas Rutten
Defence Coach:
None
Chief Scout:
Marty Feldman
Seasons: 5
Honours: N/A
History:
2014/15 – 1,894 | 2nd DoWo 
2015/16 – 1,846 | 5th DoWo*
2016/17 – 1,935 | 3rd DoDi (The Hotspuds)
2017/18 – 1,806 | 6th DoDi
2018/19 – 1,929 | 6th DoDi*

 

BORUSSIA TEETH


Chairman:
Barry Fry
Stadium:
Ecclestone’s Bakery Arena at The Cave of Funk
DoF:
Alfonso Minanda
Manager:
Wyn Williams
Assistant Manager:
Pierre Huylens
Attack Coach:
Gaizka Ximelez
Defence Coach:
Erik Stremer
Chief Scout:
Dragan Iouga
Seasons: 5
Honours: DoBo
History:
2014/15 – 1,793 | 3rd DoWo
2015/16 – 1,991 | 4th DoWo
2016/17 – 2,035 | 4th DoWo
2017/18 – 2,148 | 2nd DoWo
2018/19 – 2,145 | 1st DoBo

 

XTAL THA PULSEWIDTH

Chairman: Jimmy “Five Bellies” Gardner
Stadium:
The IHG (I hate Gav)
DoF:
Serge (Kasabian)
Manager:
David Twigg
Assistant Manager:
Ann Widdecombe
Attack Coach:
Cafu
Defence Coach:
Cafu
Goalkeeping Coach: Paul Gascoigne
Chief Scout:
Max Clifford
Seasons: 5
Honours: N/A
History:
2014/15 – 1,971  | 3rd DoBo
2015/16 – 2,040  | 3rd DoBo
2016/17 – 1,527  | 4th DoBo* 
2017/18 – 2,118  | 3rd DoWo 
2018/19 – 2,072  | 4th DoWo*

 

NORTHERN BORRAS

Chairman: Weeeeeeest
Stadium:
The Borras Dome
DoF: Mr. Keith
Manager: Michael Jones
Assistant Manager:
Mrs. Wendy
Attack Coach: Gareth Hadley
Goalkeeping Coach:
Jon Huxley
Defence Coach:
Richard Hoskings
Chief Scout:
Spider
Seasons: 5
Honours: DoDi
History:
2014/15 – 1,835 | 3rd Dodi
2015/16 – 1,990 | 2nd DoDi
2016/17 – 1,966 | 5th DoWo*
2017/18 – 2,010 | 5th DoDi
2018/19 – 2,233 | 1st DoDi

 

THE WESTICLES

Chairman: Smokey Robinson
Stadium:
Poundworld Park
DoF:
Manager: Daniel Paul Huxley
Assistant Manager:
Michael Palin
Attack Coach: Apollo Creed
Defence Coach:
Hector Salamanca
Chief Scout:
The Man from Del Monte
Seasons: 5
Honours: N/A
History:
2014/15 – 1,646 | 4th DoDi
2015/16 – 1,853 | 5th DoDi
2016/17 – 1,920 | 4th DoDi
2017/18 – 2,029 | 4th DoDi
2018/19 – 2,108 | 3rd DoDi

 

EXETER GENTLY

Chairman: Tijani Babangida
Stadium: 
Le Parc des Cunts
DoF: Thierry Henry
Manager: Mehdi Daoudi
Assistant Manager:
Romario de Souza Faria
Attack Coach: Christopher Wreh
Defence Coach:
Pascal Cygan
Chief Scout:
Mustapha Hadji
Seasons: 4
Honours: DoWo, SaKo
History:
2015/16 – 2,005 | 3rd DoWo
2016/17 – 2,309 | 1st DoWo
2017/18 – 2,205 | 2nd DoBo
2018/19 – 2,151 | 2nd FT B

 

MELLBERG’S BEARD

Chairman:
Stadium: 
Queef Power Park
DoF:
Manager: Wes Evans
Assistant Manager:

Attack Coach:
Defence Coach:

Chief Scout:

Seasons:
4
Honours: DoDi
History:
2015/16 – 2,052 | 1st DoDi
2016/17 – 2,062 | 3rd DoWo
2017/18 – 2,089 | 4th DoWo 
2018/19 – 1,845 | 5th DoWo

 

HEISENBERG

Chairman: 
Stadium: Deirdre Barlow Arena
DoF:
Manager: Gavin Brian Jones
Assistant Manager:

Attack Coach:
Defence Coach:

Chief Scout:
Seasons: 3
Honours: DoWo, SaKo
History:
2014/15 – 2,013 | 1st DoWo
2015/16 – 1,965 | 5th DoBo*
2016/17 – 0,000 | N/A
2017/18 – 2,089 |  N/A
2018/19 – 2,151 | 2nd DoWo

 

THE JAGER BOMBERS

Chairman: Bono
Stadium: The Bombers Bowl
DoF: Nigel Farage
Assistant Manager: Gordon “The Wealdstone Raider” Hill
Attack Coach: Adam Johnson
Defence Coach:
Bryan Harvey
Chief Scout:
Josef Fritzl
Seasons: 3
Honours: SaKo, DoWo
History:
2015/16 – 2,130 | 2nd DoBo
2016/17 – 0,000 | Resigned
2017/18 – 2,147 | 2nd DoDi
2018/19 – 2,227 | 1st DoWo

 

THE PAIN TRAIN

Chairman: 
Stadium: 
DoF: Ben Shephard
Manager: Rory McCarthy
Assistant Manager:
Terry ‘The Pain Train’ Tate
Attack Coach: Youri Djorkaeff
Defence Coach:
Andoni Goikoetxea
Chief Scout:
Gaizka Mendieta
Seasons: 3
Honours: DoWo
History:
2016/17 – 2,053 | 2nd DoDi
2017/18 – 2,263 | 1st DoWo
2018/19 – 2,136 | 2nd DoBo

 

DIE LAWRO DIE

Chairman: Ken Bates
Stadium: The Lawrenson Memorial
DoF: Winston Bogarde
Assistant Manager: Nolberto Solano
Attack Coach: Paddy McCourt
Defence Coach:
Frank Sinclair
Chief Scout:
Lutz Pfannenstiel
Seasons: 1
Honours: N/A
History:
2018/19 – 2,183 | 2nd DoDi

 

COLONEL GETAFE

Chairman: Mao
Stadium: القصر الجمهوري
DoF: Robert Mugabe
Manager: Dewi Rhys Jones
Assistant Manager:
Emperor Nero
Attack Coach: Rupert Murdoch
Defence Coach:
Benito Mussolini
Goalkeeping Coach: Joseph Stalin
Chief Scout:
Pol Pot
Seasons: 1
Honours: N/A
History:
2018/19 – 2,085 | 5th DoDi

 

SPORTING A SEMI

Chairman: Pavel Nedved
Stadium: The (Tino Asprilla Coke) Den
DoF: Roberto Baggio
Manager: Andrew Pollard
Assistant Manager:
Clarence Seedorf
Attack Coach: Gabriel Batistuta
Defence Coach:
Deryn Brace
Chief Scout:
Zvonimir Boban
Seasons: 1
Honours: N/A
History:
2018/19 – 2,036 | 3rd FT B

 



Liam Stokes-Massey

Clubs: The PeterDevines, TerribleAtDrawing
Seasons: 3
Honours: N/A
History:
2014/15 – 1,851 | 2nd DoDi
2015/16 – 1,857 | 4th DoDi (Terrible…)
2016/17 – 1,703 | 5th DoDi
2017/18 – 0,000 | Retired

 

Nigel Walters

Clubs: Nige’s Nutters
Seasons: 1
Honours: N/A
History:
2017/18 – 2,111 | 3rd DoDi
2018/19 – 0,000 | Retired

 

Paul Gregory

Clubs: St. Pauli
Seasons: 2
Honours: DoDi, YoBo
History:
2017/18 – 2,232 | 1st DoDi
2018/19 – 2,146 | 3rd DoWo
2019/20 – 0,000 | Retired

 


[* – Relegated ]